This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Story of my life…..
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral