Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Here’s a meme
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.