Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
mood
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.