This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
what day is it?
hmm conte-me mais
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”