This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Boss: “late again I see”
Brain: think of a good excuse!
Mouth: “your moms late.”
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
Oh thanks BBC.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub
– may contain lava?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?