This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
R.I.P.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?