@Ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

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@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

@NervousJr

Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@portmanteauface

bathroom

– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub

lavatory

– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?

@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@fro_vo

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

@Dutch_50

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?