This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?