This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I missed you with all my darts
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
happy valentine’s day to me
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.