Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I was bored.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.