If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
when someone compliments me
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.