This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
💻🤡
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.