As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“My new boyfriend who?
“My future husband who?”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*