“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My wife gives the best headache.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
You deplete me
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.