“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
the clam before the storm
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.