white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
nobody’s gonna understand
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.