@Bob_Janke

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

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@_Ms_Moneypenny_

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

@hammbone84

Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.

@scrueggs

If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.

Ever.

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@liv_thatsme

I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

@Crunch11b

About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.

@girlontapas

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.