This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
consequences, the bane of my existence
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.