This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

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I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.


Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.


If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.



[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?


8. Which is your least favorite character?



Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.


I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.


I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.


About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.


Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.