This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.