@wickedsuga

This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy

& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.

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@bobsaget

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

@geekysteven

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@illiter8too

Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

@TheAndrewNadeau

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

@BoogTweets

Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?