This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy

& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.

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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.


My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”


Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.


My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.


Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.


I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.


[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!


Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?