Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
That time Alicia messaged me
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.