Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy