this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me: