@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

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@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@TheMichaelRock

After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@i_mthestorm

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@iAmDelFreaky

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

@TheBeerGuy73

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@ThatsSoCorri

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy