This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.


Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate


If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.


Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads


My son swallowed dish soap.
When I held him, he looked like he was about to throw up.

Then it Dawned on me…


I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater


as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died


me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight