This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
where do you see yourself in five years?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.