This kid will have a bright future.
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Haha good job!!
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind