@kwirkyKerri

This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.

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@naomikaravani

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

@PleaseBeGneiss

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

@kelkulus

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

@djdarrellripley

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

@robfee

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night