It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.
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me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My new favorite headline
The French word for sex is croissant.