I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Best spot.. 😅
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.