Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Autocarrot sucks!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*