This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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I’m not lazy
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.