As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.