@Apexg4ming

This killed me

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@galiamango

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

@Jez1

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

@Chocovania

GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY

NOTARY: Yes?

NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say

@captainkalvis

Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.