[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs