“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Never forget.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal