“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Does your wife know you’re single?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.