I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
You Might Also Like
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?