@ashmensch

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

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@RatBatallion

When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

@KentWGraham

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@drinksmcgee

They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.

@Owl_Meat

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep