This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

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When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .


If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.


Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”


Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.


“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party


*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*



They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.


[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep