WELL PLAYED, SIR
This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”
And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.
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Brain: We got this!!
Body: Yeah, no we don’t
I’ll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Making out with the pharmacist has its percocets…
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.