@CheetoBandito77

This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.

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@spicy_peen

Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up

@KKAlThani

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of a place she went to in the past with a caption that says “take me back </3”

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

@JamesHavoc

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

@AnniemuMary

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

@PrettiestPickle

Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.