This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
oh u like history? name everything that happened
very niche meme I made
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home