Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Haters gonna hate, alligators gonna alligate
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Date: I like old-fashioned guys
Me: *dies of polio*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?