This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Yup!
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
What a kind woman! 😂😂
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this