This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE