This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
You Might Also Like
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is