@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

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@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@frenchielaboozi

a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day

@BeamishBoi

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

@SortaBad

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*