This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My dryer is celebrating lint.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.