this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
waiting for halloween be like:
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi