This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

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Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you


*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office

*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting



Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.


[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses


CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters


My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.


Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!


Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?


ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.