This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
mom gave me mine for free
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.