Because nothing says “sorry a loved one passed away” like something else that’ll wither and die right in front of you
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office
*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
daaaaang i look good
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.