This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Great Canadian literature.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Where’s my employee discount too?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.