We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
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When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*