This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

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I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.


Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”


Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.


*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.



B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.


Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything


assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?


Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.


Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.


It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.