This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
being a writer on Twitter:
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
(by @ZachWeiner )
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
iPhone X
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back