This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Never be a pizza!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.