my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Wednesday
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.