This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.

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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.


Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.


Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.


I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this


1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.


Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.


16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.


I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”