I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man