Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years