This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.

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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.


Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..


I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.


Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”


We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.


[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!


Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*


I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?


No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.