@AngelaEhh

This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.

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@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@KevinBuffalo

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

@KyleMcDowell86

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

@tedalexandro

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

@iGreenGod

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@thegreatnanak

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.