I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
courtroom exchange of the day
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Heroic Misunderstanding
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??