Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest