“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Breaking news:
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…