@drankturpentine

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

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@Bob_Heller

My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.

@hippieswordfish

you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”

@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@ellewasamistake

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

@professorkiosk

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

@man_spach

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

@TheBoydP

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.