This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

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“have a police dog?”


“only the dog can come in”


“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true


I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?


Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”


me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?


Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers


Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody


Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.


Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.


Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.


dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence