This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare