This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
OH. COME. ON.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast