This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
incredible
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.