@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

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@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@CruisinSoozan

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

@shutupmikeginn

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.