This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Can’t, holding a grudge
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.