This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs